If you’re like me, every so often you subject yourself to Lifetime movies. The men in your life may not understand their pull; hell, we women don’t, either. But these ridiculous mind-blenders do have a seductive quality that overrules reason. Why? This is the great mystery.
Known for their silly storylines, bad acting, and cheesey sex stuff, Lifetime movies touch on the important issues that affect us all. Women who want to take over our lives. Men who turn into violent stranger after women marry them. Teenagers and their moms on reality TV shows who are stalked by creepy (but generically handsome) guys.
Margaret Lyons said that for nearly 30 years, Lifetime movies “have helped us metabolize panic by repurposing our legitimate fears as melodramatic danger-porn.” She also lists “The 10 Most Common Types of Lifetime Movie Titles,” such as “Stranger in my Bed,” “Stalked at 17,” “Clara’s Deadly Secret,” and “The Cheerleader-murdering Mom.”
Review: The last few minutes of ‘Accidental Obsession’
Today I happened upon the Lifetime movie, “Accidental Obsession.” I only saw the last 15 or 20 minutes, but it included everything I needed to know. A crazy woman wants the life of a woman she knew of back in high school. But Lifetime movies don’t stop there. They take the scenario to a whole new level – and then add in one of the girls (Josie Davis) from “Charles in Charge” as the lead.
With a nod to 1980s thriller “Fatal Attraction,” crazy woman sneaks into Josie’s house and boils her bunny, so to speak. Except this time, it’s the woman’s beloved parakeets. And she bakes them in the oven. Josie, using her awesome acting skills (which have worsened since Charles was in charge of her), tells us that she is unhappy and sad that her birds were baked.
Then crazy woman enters the scene and expositions the hell out of some bad dialogue. Josie had the the life she wanted and stole her boyfriend, and Crazy was sent to a mental institution.
After this, things get … silly.
When bad movies go badder
Josie’s cop boyfriend comes over to save Josie. He gets shot in the bullet-proof vest. The women go at each other in high heels and fight their way (poorly – it’s the worst fight scene ever) to the edge of the pool. Crazy knocks Josie down, and Josie whimpers and stares at her while she slowly walks over to her weapon choice: an unlit tiki torch.
A tiki torch.
Crazy grabs the unlit tiki torch and is about to stab Josie with the pointy end of the bamboo, when cop boyfriend hits her in the head with a shovel. Where’d that come from? Doesn’t matter. Crazy falls “dead” into the pool. The relieved couple go into the house and hug because it’s finally over! But no. She’s back! Cop boyfriend takes her down in the nick of time again. How? It’s only been an hour since I watched it, and I’ve already forgotten.
The best thing is that right after that, Josie mumbles, “I thought she was dead.”
The movie wraps up, and the next Lifetime movie starts.
Due to its basic, over-done storyline, terrible acting, and stupid title, I’m only giving it one tiki torch. For the best-worst weapon almost used, I give it five tiki torches.